Here's a test sent from vague sources. I'm pretty sure this teeny bop quiz wasn't cooked up by Scientologists, though I do wonder about the pastry and juice-drink lobbys' influence on certain questions. I'm just passing it on, y'know? See if you can guess the wrong answers. Then send your answers to someone else. Or something.
LIVING ARRANGEMENT:
With my kitten Wolfie in an apartment somewhere in what L.A. WEEKLY Sitegeist
writer Dave Shulman calls our "thin strand of the Milky Way."
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT OUIJA BOARDS?
Eyes rolled up.
WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
A pair of figure skaters.
FAVOURITE BOARD GAME?
Candyland? Chutes & Ladders? The Game of Life? Anything but Monopoly.
FAVOURITE MAGAZINE:
Lumpen, Ma'am, Blades on Ice, Flipside, Carbon 14, Arizona Highways, On Our
Backs, Bondage Love Duos, Surfer, Fizz, Stephen Engelhart--era Dr. Strange,
Hit List, Slash, Juxtapoz, No Mag, Punk, old Creem, High Times, Simone
Devon's Tight Love Bondages.
FAVOURITE SMELLS:
night blooming jasmine, the ocean, marijuana, mint, sage, coffee, sage, pine
trees, gasoline
FAVORITE CD?
(right now) Johnny Thunders IN THE FLESH
(all-time) Kate Bush HOUNDS OF LOVE
FAVOURITE SOUNDTRACK:
Jimmy Cliff, etc. THE HARDER THEY COME
WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING:
I wanna go back to sleep.
ROLLER COASTER, SCARY OR EXCITING:
Scary.
HOW MANY RINGS BEFORE YOU ANSWER THE PHONE?
Depends on whomever I know is calling at that moment. (I'm psychic.)
Different people need different numbers of rings.
FUTURE DAUGHTER'S NAME:
Well, I won't be breeding, but I like the name Annalisa.
FUTURE SON'S NAME:
Vida.
FAVOURITE FOODS:
I hate food.
DO YOU EAT BREAKFAST FOODS ANY OTHER TIME THAN BREAKKFAST?
Yes. But is this so-called survey a fucked up trick marketing ploy by some
breakfast disposable pastry item corporation? If so, fuck you! Lower the
sugar content, and NO MORE LARD in pastries. Make fast food more vegan, too!
Viva la libertad!! Somos todos Marcos! Viva Marcos! Viva Zapata! Fuck you
Shell Gasoline and Dennys! And stop the bombing!
CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA:
Chocolate.
DO YOU LIKE TO DRIVE?
Sometimes.
DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL:
Of course! I sleep with many objects and living beings.
STORMS: COOL OR SCARY?
You're talking to a girl who used to run out into storms with long metal
poles, hoping to get hit by lightning!
WHAT TYPE WAS YOUR FIRST CAR:
Can I lie? If I can lie, I'll say a Corvette Stingray from 1966-'67. If I
have to tell the truth, an orange Vega that looked like a pumpkin and when it
overheated, the aluminum (!) engine would warp and melt, rendering it
useless. A terrible car.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PHYSICAL ASPECT OF YOURSELF?
Legs.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MENTAL/EMOTIONAL ASPECT OF YOURSELF?
Telepathy. Ability to tell the future. That I'm a crybaby.
IF YOU COULD CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOURSELF . . .
My gender.
IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON DEAD OR ALIVE:
Dead? Danielle from the Tropicana Motel, if she's dead. Jan Kerouac. The
forgotten Chicago poet Lori Jackson. Paula Pierce. Bobbi Brat. Rob Ritter.
Houdini.
Alive? Danielle from the Tropicana Motel, if she's alive. Anna Karenina.
Janeane Garofalo. Angela Davis. Kate Bush. Beki Bondage (Vice Squad). Busy
Phillips. Cecilia Bastida. Lazy Susan. Holy Sisters of the Ga-ga Da-da.
FAVOURITE DRINK:
Non-dairy hot chocolate.
WHAT IS YOUR ZODIAC SIGN:
Scorpio with Virgo rising and most of my planets in Scorpio.
WHO IS YOUR FAVOURITE POET?
Lawrence Ferlinghetti, Jordan Gallader, Danielle Willis, Karie Jacobson (the
Dagons), Stephanie Smith (Spectator Pump), Darby Crash, Kevin Davila, Yusef
Komunyakaa, Jan Kerouac, Bob Dylan, Lori Jackson, Will Shatter, Manu Chao,
Whitey Sims, Chuck D & Flavor Flav, Darby Crash, Kate Braverman, Dr. Seuss,
Sylvia Plath, Neruda, Lydia Lunch, Baudelaire, Jack Brewer.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE NOVEL?
The Phantom Tollbooth. Memoirs Found in a Bathtub. Exit to Eden. Charlie &
the Chocolate Factory. Dogs in Lingerie. The Long Goodbye. Venus in Furs.
Baby Driver.
FAVORITE FIGURE SKATERS:
Denise Biellman, Katarina Witt, Krylova &
Ovsiannikov, Lucinda Ruh, Anissina & Peizerat, Oksana Baiul, Nicole Bobek,
Vanessa Gusmeroli, Tanya Szewczenko, Dorothy Hamill, Surya Bonaly, Rosalynn
Sumners, Michelle Kwan, Sasha Cohen, Naomi Nari Nam, Klimova & Ponomarenko,
Dmitriev & Kazakova & Mishkutenok, Tonia Kwiatkowski, Gordeeva & Grinkov,
Rudy Galindo, Jill Trenary, Gary Beacom, Gia Guddat, Isabelle Brasseur,
Danielle Hartsell, Natasha & Tamara Kuchiki, Krisztina Czako, Jennifer
Robinson, Kurt Browning, Brian Boitano, Kristi Yamaguchi, Susanna Rahkamo,
Becke & Petrov. And more.
FAVORITE TV SHOWS:
Freaks & Geeks, The Richard Pryor Show, SCTV, Tribes,
Beverly Hills 90210, Passions, The Honeymooners, The Simpsons, Wonder Woman,
Three's Company, Get Smart, TV Nation, Rotten TV, Xena, the Larry Sanders
Show, that weird '70s show with actors like Peter Bonerz, I think, playing
out fairy tales and weird hippie scenes, whose credits seemed to close with
shots of a horse-drawn wagon folk caravan riding off into the sunset
(remember?).
DO YOU EAT THE STEMS OF BROCCOLI:
Yes.
IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB YOU WANTED, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Rock star.
IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOUR, WHAT WOULD IT BE?
Pink.
WHAT IS ON YOUR WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
Paintings by the artist Marco Perroni. Prints by Winston Smith and Robert
Williams. A bland poster from Johnny Thunders' last show, in Berlin, a couple
days before he died. Posters of Michelle Kwan, the Sex Pistols, Oksana Baiul,
Bob Marley, Krylova & Ovsiannikov, GLEN OR GLENDA?, the city of Levanto,
Italy, Public Enemy, Nicole Bobek, Tijuana No!, Lunachicks, Cobra Verde,
Rolling Stones, the Humpers, Catharine Beaumont in a familiar predicament,
the Reverb Motherfuckers, a map of Holland, 5.6.7.8.s, the Dragons. Sometimes
spiders and other bugs. Sometimes Wolfie. Sometimes me.
IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL?
Half full.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE SNAPPLE?
The one that doesn't pay to do commercials with Howard Stern when he's
foolishly ranting that LAPD cops were totally justified in beating Rodney
King, etc. He should stay outta politics and stick to what he knows, bad
heavy metal and malicious bimbo/freak appraisal, and Snapple should
demonstrate real compassion for the oppressed, and consider the consequences
of its actions. Or inactions. I like pink lemonade.
FAVOURITE MOVIE(S)?:
Pierrot le Fou, Brazil, Sheila & the Brain Stem, Jo Jo Dancer Your Life Is
Calling You, Americana, Carny, Silent Running, Little Vera, Strangers on a
Train,The 39 Steps, Quadrophenia, Wig Rodeo, Clueless, Inside Daisy Clover,
The Meaning of Life, Madame X, Roger & Me, The Thin Man series, After Hours,
GoodFellas, The Third Man, CB4, This Is Spinal Tap, The Ramones: We're Outta
Here!, Journey Through the Past, I like just about any road movie unless Bob
Hope's in it.
ARE YOU A LEFTY, RIGHTY, OR AMBIDEXTROUS?
My ambition is to be ambidexterous.
DO YOU TYPE WITH YOUR FINGERS ON THE RIGHT KEYS?
Huh? I type with both hands, and pretend that I'm really playing the piano.
WHAT'S UNDER YOUR BED?
Another world, an intricate labyrinth only known to Wolfie, the kitten. A
sinister tangle of forgotten telephone cords and useless cassettes.
WHAT IS YOUR FAVOURITE NUMBER?
Nine.
FAVOURITE SPORT TO WATCH?
NBA basketball, figure skating, women's pro bowling, football, soccer,
demolition derby, pinball, big-wave surfing.
FAVORITE RAMONES SONG?
"Rockaway Beach" or "53rd & 3rd" or "Endless Vacation"
IF YOU WERE FORCED (OR WANTED TO) SING KARAOKE, WHAT WOULD YOU SING?
Volare.
SAY ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU:
He makes cool Aerosmith and AC/DC tapes for me to listen to.
PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND:
No one, everyone hates me.
PERSON YOU SENT THIS TO LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND:
Melanie Vammen and Miss Koko Puff. Fred Manchento.